Thursday, October 6, 2011


Boy, relationships are nasty, and complicated, and usually never last. 

And oh yeah, I just realised that this will have almost nothing to do with relationships, lol. 

My story:
No, I'm not going to vent about a break up, or ramble on about a new boyfriend whom I love, but reveal my realisation about my so called 'love' life. But can I call it a 'love' life if I've never really been with anyone?

I'm currently 15 years old turning 16 in January and I've never had a first kiss, and I've never had a boyfriend. I use to think that at this age it didn't matter if you had done either of these things, but it seems the age gets lower and lower and the years pass on. 

All my friends have all experienced this, and honestly, I did use to want a boyfriend, really badly, and not because I felt left out, but because I just wanted to be loved. I've always kind of been a loner, even with 'friends' around me, and honestly, now I kind of like it that way. But I just wanted someone to see me for me and to really respect me, I guess we don't really get that anymore.

The older I got, the more scared I became that I would have no one. I've been at the same school for my entire life and everyone already knows who I am and that the people who don't want anything to do with me, don't have anything to do with me, and everyone who ever somehow 'liked' me in their meaningless tween existence (no that's not a typo) has realised that it's best to not act on it.

I've always been a tomboy, I may now be into fashion and stuff, but I still act kind of like a boy. No I'm not sloppy, or lazy, or smelly, but just straightforward, and being this way makes girls annoyed. I just don't want to have to act a certain way. I just don't play games, I mean what I say, and usually act the same around most friendship groups. 

So as I got older, I was sad that maybe there's no one out there for me, everyone just treated me like a friend who was a girl and that's it, nothing more. And there was nothing I could do about it.  

Although, even though I wanted all these things, I didn't go out to parties and hookup with random guys who told me what I want them to tell me, because A) I'm not stupid and I respect myself and B) I want my firsts to be meaningful, and I want it to be with the right person.

But don't worry, I'm not going to complain about how I'm a lonely teenage girl who wants to be loved. And sound like a bit of a hypocrite in that last paragraph. Funny is, I haven't even reached the main plot line, awkward. 

Back to planet Earth. Recently I met a guy, who is two years older than me, so he didn't really know me, he's really sweet and kind and is the first decent guy I've met. 

In the past, when I 'liked' someone, everyone somehow ended up finding out, I wasn't very subtle about it though, and it always seemed like they would 'like' me back, similar to all those advice columns in the teenage girl magazine: "they probably like you back!" NO wrong, don't act on it, you just end up being rejected, like I did. 

So this time, I acted totally normal with him and had a professional relationship, because the only way we knew each other was through a school activity that we had to do together.

In the past couple months, I secretly hoped that maybe I might have a chance, maybe something meaningful could happen, and maybe I'd have my first boyfriend.

I was pretty in over my head, other than the school activity, we never got a chance to hang out. And the school activity, was pretty professional. He didn't even hang in the same groups, I have friends in his year level but they aren't in the same circle. Nevertheless, he was still nice to me, and said 'hi' to me in the hallway (which is surprising because I've had an unfortunate incident with other year 12s in the past, let's not get into that now).

The thing is, the point to this amazing story, isn't that amazing, but it's a realisation that I've always known I should have, but I have never really embraced.

Maybe I just shouldn't care. It's not necessary for me to have a boyfriend, and definitely in my experience, things happen when least expected. Just like the John Mayer song, I'm happily 'Perfectly Lonely'.

I've always believed that if things are meant to happen, somehow you will know what to do to make it happen. And especially with boys, my previous experiences haven't been that great when I rushed into things, I usually got hurt and became an embarrassment. 

So I'm just going to let it be with this guy and just boys in general. Let's just see how things play out in my life, and let that be it. 

The end.

That's a huge story with a small significant lesson, but this realisation is pretty important to me, so I just wanted to let it out there. 


Lucy said...

I related so much to this post,
I was very similiar to you and it wasn't until I went to university and started making a new life for myself that I found my first boyfriend.

I'm sure you will find someone lovely when the time is just right :)

Lucy x

Ploy Varnichgorn said...

Hey gorgeous. I love your blog and I love that you're comfortable writing about your personal life for other girls your age to relate to. I feel to have a full on conversation with you about men right now haha! I've had many relationships in my time and my first lasted 2 years so I was very young, naive and being so young I did imagine that he was going to be the one that I was going to end up marrying!! Little did I know, he did cheat on me towards the end of our relationship, so I felt so hurt and I would never wish that pain upon anyone. (Sorry, I know that this may have absolutely NOTHING to do your post lol). Anyway, 4 years on and I've had relationships in-between but nothing as serious as my most recent one. I met him in October and we clicked straight away, he was the perfect man but all of a sudden he said that he just couldn't be with me and I feel SO, SO insecure about myself right now as we only just broke up 2 months ago. I'm still hurting so much and I know that from now on I'm just going to enjoy my own company and stop getting my heart broken lol. Sometimes I get so angry that I just feel like breaking another mans heart for revenge.

Omygosh, sorry I'm rambling on! Anyway, yeah... don't rush to find a man. You're absolutely going to find a prince charming with your attitude girl :). Just don't rush!

I remember your age and people older than me were telling me to not get a boyfriend and study study study and It annoyed me so I rebelled in a way and I got one? Now I'm telling people your age to forget men for now. Men will find you!

Sorry if this comment was so random! lol.
and thanks for following me too :)

Ploy <3 xo

Adri said...

Just embrace yourself! Making yourself happy matters so much more than making someone else happy by catering to them. Also embrace your youth! I have started to live by the motto you are young once and are old the rest of your life! Hope that helps!