Relationships

Boy, relationships are nasty, and complicated, and usually never last. 


And oh yeah, I just realised that this will have almost nothing to do with relationships, lol. 


My story:
No, I'm not going to vent about a break up, or ramble on about a new boyfriend whom I love, but reveal my realisation about my so called 'love' life. But can I call it a 'love' life if I've never really been with anyone?


Anyway,
I'm currently 15 years old turning 16 in January and I've never had a first kiss, and I've never had a boyfriend. I use to think that at this age it didn't matter if you had done either of these things, but it seems the age gets lower and lower and the years pass on. 


All my friends have all experienced this, and honestly, I did use to want a boyfriend, really badly, and not because I felt left out, but because I just wanted to be loved. I've always kind of been a loner, even with 'friends' around me, and honestly, now I kind of like it that way. But I just wanted someone to see me for me and to really respect me, I guess we don't really get that anymore.


The older I got, the more scared I became that I would have no one. I've been at the same school for my entire life and everyone already knows who I am and that the people who don't want anything to do with me, don't have anything to do with me, and everyone who ever somehow 'liked' me in their meaningless tween existence (no that's not a typo) has realised that it's best to not act on it.


I've always been a tomboy, I may now be into fashion and stuff, but I still act kind of like a boy. No I'm not sloppy, or lazy, or smelly, but just straightforward, and being this way makes girls annoyed. I just don't want to have to act a certain way. I just don't play games, I mean what I say, and usually act the same around most friendship groups. 


So as I got older, I was sad that maybe there's no one out there for me, everyone just treated me like a friend who was a girl and that's it, nothing more. And there was nothing I could do about it.  


Although, even though I wanted all these things, I didn't go out to parties and hookup with random guys who told me what I want them to tell me, because A) I'm not stupid and I respect myself and B) I want my firsts to be meaningful, and I want it to be with the right person.


But don't worry, I'm not going to complain about how I'm a lonely teenage girl who wants to be loved. And sound like a bit of a hypocrite in that last paragraph. Funny is, I haven't even reached the main plot line, awkward. 


Back to planet Earth. Recently I met a guy, who is two years older than me, so he didn't really know me, he's really sweet and kind and is the first decent guy I've met. 


In the past, when I 'liked' someone, everyone somehow ended up finding out, I wasn't very subtle about it though, and it always seemed like they would 'like' me back, similar to all those advice columns in the teenage girl magazine: "they probably like you back!" NO wrong, don't act on it, you just end up being rejected, like I did. 


So this time, I acted totally normal with him and had a professional relationship, because the only way we knew each other was through a school activity that we had to do together.


In the past couple months, I secretly hoped that maybe I might have a chance, maybe something meaningful could happen, and maybe I'd have my first boyfriend.


I was pretty in over my head, other than the school activity, we never got a chance to hang out. And the school activity, was pretty professional. He didn't even hang in the same groups, I have friends in his year level but they aren't in the same circle. Nevertheless, he was still nice to me, and said 'hi' to me in the hallway (which is surprising because I've had an unfortunate incident with other year 12s in the past, let's not get into that now).


The thing is, the point to this amazing story, isn't that amazing, but it's a realisation that I've always known I should have, but I have never really embraced.


Maybe I just shouldn't care. It's not necessary for me to have a boyfriend, and definitely in my experience, things happen when least expected. Just like the John Mayer song, I'm happily 'Perfectly Lonely'.


I've always believed that if things are meant to happen, somehow you will know what to do to make it happen. And especially with boys, my previous experiences haven't been that great when I rushed into things, I usually got hurt and became an embarrassment. 


So I'm just going to let it be with this guy and just boys in general. Let's just see how things play out in my life, and let that be it. 


The end.


That's a huge story with a small significant lesson, but this realisation is pretty important to me, so I just wanted to let it out there. 

100 truths

WHAT WAS YOUR:

1. Last beverage: water

2. Last phone call: hayley

3. Last text message : katie

4. Last song you listened to: livin on a prayer - bon jovi

5. Last time you cried: dont remember

HAVE YOU EVER:

7. Been cheated on: no

8. Kissed someone & regretted it: no

9. Lost someone special: yes

10. Been depressed : maybe

11. Been drunk and threw up: no

LIST THREE FAVOURITE COLOURS:

12. Red

13. Blue

14. Green

THIS YEAR [2010] HAVE YOU:

15. Made a new friend: kind of

16. Fallen out of love: no

17. Laughed until you cried: yes

18. Met someone who changed you: no

19. Found out who your true friends were: no

20. Found out someone was talking about you: yes

21. Kissed anyone on your friend’s list: no

22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: all of them

23. How many kids do you want to have: maybe 1-3

24. Do you have any pets: yes, 2 budgies

25. Do you want to change your name: no

26. What did you do for your last birthday: watched a movie

27: What time did you wake up today: 8am

28. What were you doing at midnight last night: downloading apps

29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: usa music tour

30. Last time you saw your mum: 30mins ago

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: can't think of one. more tv time? haha

32. What are you listening to right now: nothing

33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yes

34. What’s getting on your nerves right now: a latin sentence

35. Most visited webpage: tumblr

36. What’s your real name: amy

37. Nicknames: dont have one

38. Relationship Status: single

39. Zodiac sign: capricorn

40. Male or female?: female

41. Elementary: a school

42. Middle School: same one

43. High school/college?: same one

44. Hair colour: black

46. Height: 165cm

47. Do you have a crush on someone?: no

48: What do you like about yourself?: my personality, smile and style

49. Piercings: none

50. Tattoos: none

51. Righty or lefty: righty

FIRSTS :

52. First surgery: teeth

53. First piercing: n/a

54. First best friend: melissa

55. First sport you joined: swimming

56. First vacation: sydney

RIGHT NOW

59. Eating: nothing

60. Drinking: nothing

61. I’m about to: have a shower

62. Listening to: nothing

63. Waiting on: me to finish this

YOUR FUTURE :

64. Want kids?: yes

65. Get Married?: yes

66. Career?: something

WHICH IS BETTER

67. Lips or eyes: eyes

68. Hugs or kisses: hugs

69. Shorter or taller: taller

70. Older or Younger: older

71. Romantic or spontaneous: both

72. Nice stomach or nice arms: both

73. Sensitive or loud: both

74. Hook-up or relationship: relationship

75. Trouble maker or hesitant: me? hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER :

76. Kissed a stranger: no

77. Drank hard liquor: no

78. Lost glasses/contacts: just broke: yes

79. Sex on first date: no

80. Broken someone’s heart: no

82. Been arrested: no

83. Turned someone down: yes

84. Cried when someone died: yes

85. Fallen for a friend?: yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

86. Yourself: sometimes

87. Miracles: rarely

88. Love at first sight: yes

89. Heaven: kind of

90. Santa Claus: no

91. Kiss on the first date: dont care

92. Angels: no

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: no

95. Did you sing today?: yes

96. Ever cheated on somebody?: no

97. If you could go back in time: yes

98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it?: cant think of one

99. Are you afraid of falling in love?: a little

100. Posting this as 100 truths: yes